After my thirteenth birthday, I started to think about how different my sister and I were. Being Orphans for years we finally landed in a loving and nurturing environment 6 months before I had my first ever Birthday party.
My sister and I shared the same biological Mother and Father but we couldn’t have looked more different. She had short tight ringlets and beautiful green eyes. I had long thick wavy hair paired with light brown eyes. My sister was always shorter and thicker than I was growing up and this was always a source of contention between us. In every home, we were compared and made to feel inadequate and more at odds with one another.
She hated me for the radical differences. From my emotional responses to the music I liked. So I learned to not emote or do much around her after years I got physically punished by her when we were alone. She was loud about everything. The definition of dramatic. In every foster placement, her behavior seemed to be the deciding factor for our removal. My childhood was lonely and what would have to be the most influential people around me changed rather frequently. Up Until 12 years old my sister was the person I knew best. It wasn’t the healthiest relationship but she was my constant.
I can remember sitting in front of my first ever Birthday Cake. A Chicago Bulls Cake with sparkler Candles.
All of my new friends around me signing while my sister sulking in her room because our new foster parents saw her behavior and decided to remove her. She was creating gossip and attempting to embarrass me among my new six-grade friends. All I could think of as I blew out my candles was how she would eventually find a way to blame her behavior on me. I tried to enjoy my time even though I was suppressing the tears and frustration of my fate.
Each one of us had a program that we ran from birth based on the lack of love we received. They are deep wounds that were never validated or corrected early in life. My sister had to take care of me because of our biological parents were not present. This created a need for validation within her because her emotional and physical needs were not met. While for me I didn’t want to take up space because my emotions and basic needs caused her pain.
To this day I find it hard to exist around my sister. She still struggles with a deep need for validation and no matter how I approach the relationship our differences seem to large to bridge. I am still working on this dynamic and hope to one day be able to sit down and have a healthy and loving conversation with my sister.
Until then, I hope she feels the love I have for her. Even though she hurt me I know we are a product of our environment. We are not able to go back and fix the past but we have the ability to honor ourselves by healing individually and then eventually we may be able to come together to mend the relationship.
I Love you, Juanis.
❤Jemma
Thanks.